Flick.

Lights go off
your breath is cold.
lets finish the game
I'm not one to fold


Lick.

Clothes hit the ground
my temper is hot
Rough is my name
So, I'll find that spot



Kiss.

Sugar is exchanged
you taste me well
stroke of my tongue
and you're under my spell



Dismiss.

Closed the door
I left a tip
whipped into shape
thanks for the pink slip

Smiles and thrills
plastic love and twisted kills
gasp and gasp
here they come

Glance and fizzle
high fever, make us sizzle
sigh and sigh
here we come

Kisses and fiction
black eyes, sticky friction
moan and moan
here he comes

Skin and suits
frenzied lips, forbidden fruits
scream and scream
here she comes





 

So. Freakin. Tired.








Sincerely,
Solemn_Princess

You know, depression doesnt just appear out of nowhere. It takes certain events to change a person. Especially a stubborn person like me. So, I'll take you through my personal journey of depression. Because people dont seem to get it.

It started when I was seven. I had been at the beach, with family, and I had my eyes set to the horizon and made a wish. I had wished I'd find love. A naive seven year old girl, wishing for love. Doesnt make sense does it?

Surely enough, seven years later, I got my wish. I had met the most admirable guy you could ever encounter. I was fourteen and semi-heartbroken over the betrayal my first boyfriend had done to me. David wasnt just any guy. He was the guy. Respectful. Honorable. Strong. He knew how to look into your eyes and mean what he said. I had never experienced it in person, but there were endless nights where thats all I could think about. Anyways. It didnt take me long to fall in love with him. I felt his confidence and vulnerability as he spoke to me. He was every contradiction you could think of. Its no wonder why we hit it off right away. Little by little I had learned about his past, his family. And the thing I found most spectacular about him was the fact that throughout his life he's encountered so many sad and dramatic situations, and he still managed to keep his head up, enjoy the life that he could enjoy. I had to wonder what he saw in me. I wasnt anything special. He was the special one. He just had something about him. He was noble, caring, an all around good person. And it broke my heart to know he'd gone through so much pain. And naturally, I faught the pain with him. I change him. Opened him up more.

It had been a year of constant drama with his disfunctional family. We made it through. We even made it through when his best friend hit on me. I knew he wanted to kill him for it. But he didnt. He didnt have it in him to kill anyone, even if they deserved it.

December, 2006. It was just a couple of days after Christmas. He had been acting weird. Distant. And I tried getting it out of him. But nothing worked. He didnt contact me for an entire week after that. Everyone filled my head with the conclusion that he was up to no good. And me, being the proud person I am said to myself, "I'm going to leave him, before he leaves me." So I contacted his best friend, and had told him to tell David that it was over. That I had found someone else. And he did. David decided to show up that night. His best friend told him the news and he immediately spoke to me about it. He was angry. Furious. He had confessed he had been planning a surprise for me. He had told me that he had gotten emancipated from his parents so they no longer had control over him. He did it all to come see me. I tried apologizing, but he had ran off, furious at my behavior. I had broken down. Disgusted at myself for what I had done. He came back. And when he told me; "I cant forgive you, not now." I knew he'd never forgive me. I had done what everyone else in his life had done to him. Left him. I didnt blame him for being upset. I was at fault.

A year passed after that. I had come to him with a question and I had disguised it with being "a question, to help my friend out." He agreed. I asked him; "how do you stop loving someone?" I was asking him just to see if he still felt something for me. And my broken heart, shattered to pieces once again when he responded; "It just happens." I couldnt speak to him after that. I knew I had lost him for good then.

I had taken it upon myself to start the healing process on my own, and take Benadryl pills. I had to sleep. Sleep all day. I didnt want to feel. I didnt want to think. I didnt want to wake up. Tears became a permanent stain on my cheeks.

I had turned into someone else. Someone who was looking for the love she had lost in guys who werent worth her time. The hole in my heart become wider, deeper. No one had been able to fill it, since David.

Two more years of misery passed and I was a senior in highschool. I had felt good again for the first time. I was crazy about Vince. Who of course reminded me of David. But then Halloween came around again and I found myself stunned at the fact that a guy could make me forget about Vince, the exact replica of David. Daniel, oh Daniel. What a mess you've made of me. I dont know how he did it. But I fell in love with him. Unconditionally, with all that was left of my heart. I admired the fact that he didnt try to be someone else. He was always him. Stubborn, hard-headed. We were alot alike.

And I remember smiling all those times when he said; "I love you preciosa." Because I knew he meant it. I could feel it. But then there were other times, when I couldnt stand him. I couldnt stand the way he cheated. I couldnt stand the way he kissed one of my best friends. I couldnt stand the way he wouldnt let me in. He never told me what was deep inside his mind. He kept his secrets until I found out from everyone else. It was mistake after mistake with him. As if he kept shooting my heart with the only bullet strong enough to spill blood. I never understood why I let him get away with everything. I was still proud. Stubborn.

Months would pass by after each time we had broken up. I always forgave him. Because it hurt me to hurt him. I couldnt bare the thought of losing him. It literally hurt my chest every time we faught. It literally hurt me to be away from him. Its the kind of love you think it doesnt exist. It does. And its a fight you'll never win. What was the point in being sober from love when the pain kills you slowly anyway?

I'm miserable with him, I'm miserable without him. And he feels it too. I know he does. I just hope he realizes it before its too late for both of us.

So as you can see now, I'm a depressed person because love has never been kind to me. I'd keep my head up and hope for the best but I was holding myself up on weak knees. Easily able to be knocked down by one more disappointment. It wasnt easy to admit to myself all this. So as I cry myself to sleep every night, I keep reminding myself to avoid happiness at all costs. Why have something special when it'll be ripped away from you anyway?

One thing is for sure, I'm not the naive seven year old girl who thought love wasnt something that could harm you.



Sincerely,
Solemn_Princess.









 

Her eyes were glued to her racy novel. There was nothing like a good frisky book to provoke good dreams. She was tired of having to toss and turn at night due to her guilty conscience.

"I'm closing down the shop."

Her husband, Raymond, crossed the room, in his black boxers. She watched him through the rim of her reading glasses. His muscles has grown. Impressively. She hadnt noticed until now.

"Why is that?"

"Its time for something new."

Sophia raised her eyebrow, curious what inspired this change.

"But you love that shop."

He shrugged, and threw on his black wife-beater, as he walked over to their bed.

"I'm going into some other business."

Their eyes met, and he shook his head.

"Not that business. I quit that a long time ago. You know that."

Sophia was well informed of Raymond's drug dealing past. She also remembered him going into a coma because of it.

"Well then, I'm sure your new business will go wonderfully."

"Krystal will be co-owner."

She looked at him, knowing he'd done that on purpose to provoke her anger. She closed her book and threw the sheet away from her feet and got up from the bed. Anger filled her skin.

"Do what you want."

She heard him sigh and she entered the restroom. Sophia splashed turned on the cold water, taking some in her hands and splashing it on her tired face.

"Dont be like that, Sophia."

"You know she and I dont get along. Why do you keep throwing her in my face?"

"Because the past is the past. You need to get over it."

Sophia laughed, and turned to find Raymond leaning against the bathroom door.

"She tried to kill me. And you want me to get over that? Typical male."

She stood in front of him, waiting for him to step aside. But of course he wouldnt. His hands slipped around her waist and onto her lower back.

"Its only a partnership, Sophia. Nothing more."

"No. I refuse to let her be part of our lives again."

"And yet you let him mark your skin every chance he gets."

They looked at each other then. She was angry, and he was calm. Or at least he was pretending to be. She hated when he did that.

"She's not going to be your co-owner. And thats the end of it."

Raymond placed a soft kiss on her lips, then released her from his arms.

"We'll see about that."

 

She woke up in his arms. His cheek rested against her head so intimately, making her heart sing. She watched the shadows from the branches outside the windows form into shapes on the carpet floor. The rain was pouring outside, thumping against the windows. She should head home, and deal with her family. Once again.

He woke up as soon as she started to rise up.

"I'll see you tomorrow."

His voice, husky and masculine, made her skin soften and her mouth dry. He turned her head slightly, his fingers tipping up her chin as his lips crushed onto hers, his tongue swiping slowly, taking his fill until he could see her tomorrow.

She left him laying there, bare, for only her eyes to see. She licked her lips once, and never looked back until she reached her car and sped off into the wet highway.


When she got to her two story suburban house, she felt her chest tighten. She couldnt breathe again. Reality blurred her vision and all she wanted to do was go back into her lovers arms.

She hung her wet jacket on the rack, and placed her keys in the bowl. The house smelled like spices and she knew her husband was cooking again.

The sound of kids fighting caught her attention and she sighed, making her way to the livingroom.

"Its my turn!"

"No, its mine!"

She cleared her throat and both kids looked at her, grins spread across their faces and they quickly ran over to her.

"Mami! Alex is taking the control away from me!"

"Its my turn to watch tv aunt Sophia!"

She bent down to their level and looked at their baby faces. Her daughter Amari, with her long brown locks and big honey brown eyes and tanned porcelain skin, was her world. And her nephew Alex, whom she had sole custody of since her sister had disappeared one night and never came back, had the same dark and powerful eyes as his mother. His dark hair spiked and out of control made her giggle and she couldnt help but hug him.

"You kids play nice. I'm going to see how dinner is going."

They ran back into the living room, and resumed to watch tv on the couch. Sophia walked the long corridor and entered the kitchen, which filled her nose with the familiar scent of spanish food. She watched him as he stirred something in the pot and leaned a bit to taste something off the spatula.

"Smells good in here."

He turned to look at her and smiled. Their marriage had always been strained always something in the way. But they still managed to be civil towards one another.

"Making your favorite, lasagna and rice."

Sophia grinned and walked over, standing next to him. She inhaled the delicious smell of the food and she licked her lips.

"Cant wait for it."

He nodded with a small smile. She knew he could smell him. The scent she brought home from her lover's skin. He knew it from the start and she didnt bother lying to him. They were in love. A kind of love that would destroy either of them if they were to part, but something wasnt right. Something didnt click with them.

Which was why, night after night, she spend hours on end with her lover, the only one who understood how important it was not to fall in love.

 

So, I've decided to make a list of all the guys I've been involved with in the past 4 years.


Lets start with the very first asshole.
 

Name                                                                                      Reason for breakup
1. Anthony Munoz                                                              -- flirting with my friends, cheating

2. David                                                                              --  left me worrying for a week, left himsomeonewhocouldnt spell.

3. Ricardo                                                                          --  couldnt spell my name right, kept saying "I loveyou"every 5 seconds

4. Jamie                                                                             --  too quiet, didnt hear from him often

5. Jeff                                                                                  --  never on

6. Jaime                                                                             --  hardly ever on, wasnt really feeling him after a while

7. Daniel #1                                                                       --  logged off one night, never heard from him again

8. Cliff                                                                                  --  he kept me waiting, I hated that

9. Danny                                                                             --  was seeing him while I was with Cliff, he wanted to get in my pants [what a shocker.]

10. Law                                                                              --  we just messed around, got tired of it

11. Robert                                                                         --  wasnt enough for me

12. Farid                                                                            --  decided there was no future for us [he was right]

13. Javier                                                                           --  we were good for 2 weeks, then he decided he couldnt handle the distance

14. Kieran                                                                         --  too judgemental, too snobby

15. Vince                                                                           -- he got a girlfriend, had to let him go

16. Daniel #2                                                                   --  did too much damage to my mental health [thanks alot] and decided to take 8 months
                                                                                                to lead me on about a future, when dun dun dun, there wont be one. [fml.]

17. Fabio                                                                           -- eh, never really wanted him

18. Juan                                                                            -- never really into him.

19. Angel                                                                           -- he though I still loved Daniel at the time [he was right.] but I enjoyed 
                                                                                               my time with him, he at least gave me one peaceful day

20. Aaron                                                                           -- daniel again ruined that relationship for me, aaron I guess felt that I was 
                                                                                                still in love with daniel and never talked to me until up to a month  
                                                                                                ago.




well there you have it, my list of lovely men. see if you can analyze any of this and tell me who's the one with the problem, me or them.


Sincerely,
Solemn_Princess



p.s. there are more guys, just cant remember their names. I'll be back to edit it once I remember. =]                                  
 

pps. I like this centered format.

So I feel like I have to start typing up whats going on inside my head. But I have to warn you, its not gonna be pretty.


Before anything, I just have to say that I have this..ability you could say, and I call it intuitiveness. I can feel people's emotions before hand. They dont have to tell me or be near me. I just feel it and it doesnt go away until they deal with it. So it basically adds to my own emotions which makes me deal with more emotions than most people do.

Now that thats clear, I'm gonna go on.

Lets start with the common denominator in all of this. Daniel. Do you know the feeling you get when you get pushed to the limit? When you've been kicked so much where it hurts that you cant even hurt normally? Well thats how he makes me feel. Now I know, I know, I had the choice whether to stay or to let go. I chose to stay because something told me to latch onto him. Dont ask me what it was, because I dont know the answer to that. Some people may think that I couldnt let go of him because I was in love with him. You can call it whatever you want, but I dont think love is to latch onto something that brings you to rock bottom every single time. It was just disappointment after disappointment and it was like a bullet to the heart each time. I used to think I didnt deserve it. I used to think there was a purpose as to why I stuck around, waiting for the next blow. Its not normal. Its not me being masochistic. Its not me liking pain.

Its something more.


I've always felt like there was a dark energy inside me. Something powerful. Something that feeds off of hurt and pain.

My mentality is so fucked up that I dont even see light anymore. Its so dark. Its all around me. Its in my blood. Its in every angry word I say. Its in every glare I give. I'm so angry. And I dont know why. I really dont.

The reason why I havent talked to anyone about this is because I already know what each and everyone one of you is gonna say. I know you better than you think. And nothing any of you guys can say can help me with this. The only person who can help me get out of this is myself.

And right now, I dont have the strength to believe in anything anymore. Love. Ha. Love only adds fuel to my fire. I dont even wish to get better. To go out into a world where only bad shit gets thrown in my face after all I do is be there for people. I understand I put myself in this position. I understand the consequences can go either way. But to have nothing but negative results each and every time? It adds to the darkness. It makes it grow even more.

I'm drawn to negative things. And I'm afraid the outcome wont be a pretty little picnic.


Thats all for now.


Sincerely,
Solemn_Princess